Along with others who were born in the late Sixties, I felt that seeing the new *Bad News Bears* was somehow mandatory, if only to indulge in the guilty pleasure of nostalgia. We all knew it would suck, didn't we? -- but we had to see it anyway.

Let it be said at once that Billy Bob Thornton as Coach Buttermaker is quite a come-down from the immortal Walter Matthau in the same role. Since the script of this new version is quite identical to the original, much of the degradation displayed here must be put at the feet of Thornton, a notorious ad-libber. None of us, young or old, need to be subjected to exclamations such as "You guys look like the last s--t I took." Or to hear copious references to Greg Kinnear's family jewels.

But whether through the script or through Thornton's egregious improvising, director Richard Linklater reveals a complete lack of control. Evidently, the best that he feels he can do with this material is to allow it to subside deeper into crassness than the original. The whole enterprise becomes a dreary exercise in upping the ante: Matthau's Buttermaker was a pool cleaner; Thornton's Buttermaker is a rat-exterminator . . . in the '76 version, the Bears are sponsored by Chico's Bail Bonds; in the 2005 version, they're sponsored by a strip-club. Get the idea? What had been a gritty, rather incisive look at everyday Americana has become merely an exercise in crudity. This degeneration of standards can legitimately be argued away as the eternal complaint of the old, but the feeling persists that the original *Bad News Bears* was still made for KIDS, despite the more realistic dialog, situations, and characters. (And Matthau was never a scene-stealer; Tatum O'Neal shone just as brightly as he did. And rightly so.) The Little Leaguers in this film are sadly subordinate to the leering Coach -- guess who the intended audience is? (Hint: not kids.)

By the way -- speaking of come-downs -- the iconic role of bad-boy Kelly Leak as portrayed by the super-iconic Jackie Earl Haley has been utterly neutered, here. The new Kelly is played by some incipient Calvin Klein model pretending to be a skate-punk. Pee-yew, man. Hey Jackie Earl, wherever you are: your status as the preeminent prepubescent bad-ass is, like, totally safe.

1 star out of 10.

Boozing rat exterminator Billy Bob Thornton (as Morris Buttermaker) was once a major league baseball player… for about three minutes. Then, he got ousted for punching an ump. Presently, low-cut Marcia Gay Harden (as Liz Whitewood) hires him to lead son Ridge Canipe (as Toby)'s Little League team, against tight-shorted rival coach Greg Kinnear (as Roy Bullock). Can Mr. Thornton transform a "ragtag group of inept players" into a group of successful ballplayers? Well, duh...

The filmmakers were obviously struggling to see how many times they could get the letters "s", "h", "i", and "t" to appear consecutively in the script. Yes, "Bad News Bears" is a tailor-made PG-13-rated pre-teen pseudo-comedy. Yet, it manages to funny. You can watch it if you're post-teen, and occasionally laugh. Sammi Kane Kraft (as Amanda Whurlitzer) and the age appropriately cast baseball team are the most valuable players, overcoming clichés with natural performances.

***** Bad News Bears (7/22/05) Richard Linklater ~ Billy Bob Thornton, Sammi Kane Kraft, Greg Kinnear, Jeffrey Davies

Morris Buttermaker (Billy Bob Thornton) is a drunken lazy pest control worker. He's a former pitcher who actually got to the majors for 2/3 of an inning. Liz Whitewood (Marcia Gay Harden) hires him to coach the little league team. Roy Bullock (Greg Kinnear) is an opposing coach. The team is full of misfits and he recruits Amanda Whurlitzer (Sammi Kane Kraft) to play for him.

This one pales in comparison to the original in almost every aspect. I even like Buttermaker's original job of pool cleaning better. Billy Bob Thornton is a great actor but he doesn't have quite as much apathy as Walter Matthau. His drunk acting isn't as good and his anger is more threatening. The kids just don't have the same charisma. And Sammi is no Tatum O'Neal even though she could really bring the heat. Director Richard Linklater is given not much more than a copy of the original to work with. And it toned down the edgier material. The original was a scathing indictment of kids sports leagues. This one is trying to be too cute about it.

Every change seems to make this inferior. The kid in the wheelchair idea is stupid. They dropped the lawsuit idea. The dwarf joke doesn't work. The kids don't have the same chemistry together. Tanner Boyle and Timmy Lupus had such a great feel the first time around. Greg Kinnear is nowhere near vicious enough. They whimped out on his key moment with his son and what his son did in the original is so much better. Then there is the lack of an Oscar winner as the girl. They figured that they can't match the acting so they didn't even try. Of course, there's no way they would even consider using real beers. They could have done so much more than simply whimpify the original.