They're bad movies and then there's exceptionally atrocious, brain-numbing, please God make it stop jaw-stopping spectacles of sheer mind-rotting awfulness that are so utterly abominable that they defy belief and soar off into a stratosphere of extraordinary stinkiness that's a ghastly wonder to behold. "Breeders" qualifies as one of those special kind of schlocky treats. The gloriously sordid premise centers on an ugly, scaly, oversexed humanoid reptile lizard alien (actually, it's some poor schmoe in a laughably obvious and unconvincing rubber suit) who kidnaps and rapes a lovely assortment of Big Apple virgins so it can reproduce its species for an impending invasion. Colorless cop Lance Lewman and dull doctor Teresa Farley try to stop the evil extraterrestrial menace, but since they're both incredibly insipid and can't act their way out of a soggy cardboard box one quite frankly doesn't give a s**t if they succeed or not. Boy, does this beautifully botched baby contain all the right wrong stuff to rate highly as one four-star clinker: flat, uninspired (mis)direction by the chronically inept Tim Kincaid (who also makes gay porno under the name of Joe Gage),a grating synthesizer score, pathetic make-up f/x by Ed French (in one particularly pitiful scene the viewer can clearly see that the actor playing the hormonal alien is wearing sneakers!),plodding pacing, relentlessly cheap'n'chintzy production values, dire dialogue, and staggeringly putrid acting from the entire cast. Fortunately, there's a tasty plenitude of gratuitous distaff nudity from a smoking hot bunch of luscious young women; almost every luckless lass who gets attacked is either disrobing or in the shower when they get jumped. Special credit must be given here to the beauteous brunette hottie supreme Frances Raines, who performs a lengthy Jane Fonda-style aerobic workout clad only in her birthday suit that's leeringly lingered on by the filmmakers. A truly choice chunk of deliciously dreadful celluloid cheese.

Subterranean dwelling aliens come out of the sewers long enough to rape "virgins" in order to impregnate them with there extraterrestrial seed. A doctor and detective try to figure what the hell is going on.

I knew I was in for some ridiculous b-movie crap when even before the title-card shows up we're treated to, bad acting and boobs belonging to a body double in what could be the most obvious film flub ever. And boy oh boy, everyone's favorite gay-porn director, turned crappy b-horror film director, turned gay film director again, Tim Kincaid does not disappoint. Now when I use the term 'crap' for this film, I do so giving it the best most loving connotation. I live for this trash, but if your tolerance for sleaze and utterly atrocious acting isn't high, steer clear of this one as it most definitely is NOT for you.

Eye Candy: Frances Raine shows everything with naked yoga, LeeAnne Baker also shows all; Meanwhile Natalie O'Connell shows T&A and Adrianne Lee & Amy Brentino only show breasts (plus the aforementioned body double, and some topless extras)

After a couple months of wondering about it I finally sat through BREEDERS [as released by Wizard Video in 1986] and while it is far from even an "effective" movie it did have it's moments. THE PLOT: Young virgin white female women have been mysteriously snatched from the streets of lower Manhattan while nobody was looking -- in itself an improbability of such a high degree that it does not even rate mentioning -- only to turn up later as victims of sexual assault at "Manhattan General Hospital" where a young mulatto hottie doctor and a young police lieutenant who both look like fourth year NYU acting students decide that there is more to the incidents than meets the eye. The two embark on an hour long search through the lower bowels of the city, ending up in an abandoned subway line with nary a homeless person to be found, where they discover the "nest" of an alien life form who has come to the Earth in an effort to breed with our women. After all, what else WOULD a species capable of intergalactic space travel want from our ant-like civilization, other than our leggy bikini models? Since this is the only plot point of genuine interest I will leave out mention of the laughable special effects, wooden acting, improbable casting, dim-witted dialog, pedestrian cinematography, unlikable leads, numbskulled supporting characters [almost through here], idiot's perspective on life in NYC, and complete lack of understanding of how the subways work & why the idea of an "abandoned tunnel" at the 23rd Street exchange is ridiculous.

With all that aside now, this is actually a pretty interesting MasterCard budgeted film shot entirely in NYC, but not the NYC most filmgoers have become familiar with -- It is a Soho mentality world made up of cloistered studios, rooftops with water silos, lower Broadway's Fashion and NYU areas [I used to take classes up at 23rd and 8th Ave & enjoyed lunchtime walks down many of the streets used in exterior scenes whilst a slave rowing the Tower Records galleon right across from NYU] and the artsy/party slummers who populated it. The cast is made up almost entirely of unknowns who never really went on to do anything else, with only cult horror babe Amy Brentano [BLOOD SISTERS] making any kind of an impact as a cocaine snorting ex-gymnast bikini model who's photoshoot is rudely interrupted when the director mutates into an alien which proceeds to grope her leggy frame with it's gross tentical like appendages. To paraphrase Roger Ebert, I hate it when stuff like that happens.

The film's opening sixty minutes or so are pretty bad, with lots of talking and speculation over an "unknown biological substance" that the rape victims' bodies have been covered with, all of which serves to set up the movie's final 15 minute set-piece when it is revealed that this substance is alien sperm, and the women become covered with it while their naked bodies writhe in a steaming vat of the stuff four or five at a time -- an interesting twist on spawn reproduction techniques, provided that the women are attractive & willing enough. Director Kincaid is therefore forgiven for the film's innanities by providing a nice cross-section of caucaisian female types crawling around in the slippery gunk, though those viewers who may have been hoping for borderline pornography will doubtlessly be disappointed by results, which seems more like a waste of uncongealed geletain dessert than some sort of perverted group grope. The girls don't even interact with each other, not seeming to be really there even, and at the end the resourceful cop & doctor fry the sloppy mess with a handy electrical cable connected to the third rail. What a waste.

This movie was one of the first released straight to home video during the rental boon years of the 1980's and while a disappointment to be sure is worthy of some sort of cult status.

There are some nice parallels to LIQUID SKY [doubtlessly the movie's major influence] and Luigi Cozzi's ALIEN CONTAMINATION [with it's alien spores idea], an interesting electronic soundtrack, and some attractive babes with zero compunction about removing their clothes for the benefit of the camera, and there is something to be said for that.

Kincaid's 1986 movie is easily the more obscure & probably more fun, though snooty types who are insistent upon slick productions will find plenty to complain about, until the last 15 minutes that is, which should satisfy anyone with a taste for the naked & slippery prospects of alien movie hokum.

**1/2 out of ****