Why do I do this to myself? Why do I fall for the worst of the worst films? Why haven't I learned? Perhaps it is out of boredom that I feel the need to watch dreck like this, for in the changing landscape of media deconstruction, having seen a list of the best films every made is on par with seeing the absolute worst films ever made. And frankly, the watching these two wildly divergent areas of influence brings about an equal appreciation for the greatness and awfulness of a film.

Champagne and Bullets (I refuse to call it the generic Road to Revenge) provides all of he things I look forward to in a horrible film. Bad action sequences, terrible dialogue, bad acting and a lack of self awareness from the person fronting the vanity project. John De Hart made a terrible film and we should all acknowledge this, but damn bless his heart for trying. Unlike the modern "auteurs" who try to make terrible films for social media clout, De Hart set out to make something genuine and sincere. This is why something like The Room, Fateful Findings, Meltdown and Birdemic are so awesome while the fakes who desperately try to be bad always become forgotten. You need to be sincere to make something like this work and pass through the annals of a humongous media landscape.

The story is impossible to follow. I mean, De Hart is a disgraced cop or something and his ex-partner framed him and is now a judge. Also, this ex-partner is the head of a baby killing cult. You tell me. The action sequences are poorly made and edited, for its laughable that anyone would consider De Hart a seasoned fighter. And lets talk about the real star of the film...De Hart's wardrobe. Apparently, his spectacular 80s inspired vibe was all from his own closet. I'm sure this was done to save money, but oh boy his clothes are magnificent. I couldn't get enough of the hip-hop cowboy vibe he was pioneering all the way back in 1993. Thank you Mr. De Hart for bringing us into your little world. I'll end on this note...be sure to have friends and snacks because this movie is tough treading. But damn, you have to give the guy and "A" for effort.

There's a whole category of mostly subterranean movies in which some schmoe who's had delusions of grandeur his whole life spent his savings to bankroll a vanity project starring (and often writtten/directed/produced by) himself. The most famous example is of course Tommy Wiseau's "The Room," which actually managed to become a cult phenomenon. A few others have gained a little notoriety among seekers of camp gold, and there's a sort of subgenre in which some guy apparently thought "I must be the next Bruce Lee!" because he's the star of his local karate studio, never realizing that "block of wood" isn't just something to hand-chop, but the way his acting would be described. But most such films languish in obscurity, because they were perceived as too amateurish for release initially, then were entirely forgotten.

This is one of those movies, although I gather some people have actually heard of it. (I hadn't, until now.) It's an excruciatingly dumb, basic hero-vs.-criminal-bad-guys opus, with "You killed the only woman I ever loved" as plot motivation, though it takes quite a while to get to that point. There are scattered professional aspects-the photography is mostly acceptable on a direct-to-video B-flick level-but the script is atrocious and there's a lot of just idiotic filler, particularly in the realm of women with implants going topless for no discernible reason, and Wings Hauser improvising painfully as some kind of Method Nightmare comedic sidekick. But the main issue is writer-director-star-producer John De Hart, whose only screen credit this is-and no wonder. He's 50-ish gent of average looks, in decent shape for his age, but who has all the charisma of a paperweight. He is not an actor, has little apparent personality, and despite all selling of his character as one tough ex-cop hombre, does not demonstrate any particular martial-arts or other physical skills. (We see him use a punching bag several times, which is pretty underwhelming.) Worse by far, he seems to think he can sing-and he sings several vaguely "country" songs he wrote, including a "Shimmy Slide" that occasions the lamest imaginable line-dance accompaniment. Anyway, his singing must be heard...if you can stand it. It's beyond belief. Incredible that someone could be that bad (is he sharp? is he flat? is he even hitting what one would call "notes"?) and have no idea.

Anyway, "GetEven" aka "Road to Revenge" is a little too inept to be consistently hilarious; sometimes it just lays there. But it does have some camp value. William Smith manages to be simultaneously hammy and bored as the chief villain, with his leering thugs including a ringer for Fabio; the women, clearly cast for assets other than "acting ability," are uniformly dreadful; oh, and there are baby-sacrificing Satanists. This is the kind of movie so arbitrary that the latter element, which would tend to take center stage in most stories where it's included, instead plays here as sort of narrative afterthought.

A fun bad movie, but not a great bad movie, or one I'd watch again-hence the 5.

Guh? Buh? Wuh? It's hard to put into actual words the magic and majesty of "Geteven". Interestingly, it's all one word, in quotes. We would be left speechless, but we're here to provide a review, so we will, to the best of our ability. Movies like this are rare gems, diamonds in the rough of life that defy reviews. But we'll give it the old college try. "Geteven" has that silly, wacky, absurd, amateurish feel where nothing is coherent. And thank goodness for that! It's all too rare, especially in today's world of boring, polished product. Movies like "Geteven" are why nostalgia for the video store era is at an all-time high. It produced moments in time like this that will never be duplicated or equaled.

Of course, the enjoyment is all because of one man, the great John De Hart. Out of seemingly nowhere, he wrote, directed in starred in this movie, a great showcase for his talents. If "Geteven" or, as it's also known, Road To Revenge, is to be believed, not only can he do all those things, but he is also a master joke teller, reciter of Shakespeare, and, in the showstopper of the film, a singer and dancer. He also spends plenty of screen time making sweet, sweet love to Pamela Bryant, who presumably was on board with this and knew what she was getting into. Is there anything he can't do? De Hart is like a more stiff and wooden Chris Mitchum. That's a compliment. The facial expressions he makes while singing his signature tune, "The Shimmy Slide", are priceless, and look like he's forced to Shimmy Slide at gunpoint by assailants that have kidnapped his family and forced him to perform for their own amusement. He doesn't really project when he speaks, but he sure does when he sings. The icing on the cake is his awesome wardrobe, with a new, stunning shirt in every scene. The guy is so cool, he even gets married in early-90's casualwear.

While "Geteven" could be reasonably compared to Miami Connection (1987),Deadly Prey (1987),Samurai Cop (1989),Warrior of Justice (1995),and Night of the Kickfighters (1988),in truth, it's very much like the productions of early PM. The presences of Wings Hauser and William Smith would reinforce this. As would the fact that De Hart dons a black tanktop as his "Revenge Outfit", just like Lawrence Hilton Jacobs did before him. Even though the production is wonderfully, unashamedly threadbare, Wings seems to give his all, and Smith does what Smith does. In the movie, things just randomly happen, with weird cuts and no explanations. And there's line dancing. It all just adds to the fun.

Featuring yet another De Hart musical composition, "I'll Be With You", "Geteven" is just more proof that the video store era produced inimitable works of bizarre creative art that should be treasured because they won't ever be repeated. Like a shooting star that blazes across the sky briefly but beautifully, the works of Matt Hannon, Jay Roberts Jr., Andy Bauman and, of course, John De Hart, should be admired, as we are lucky to get a chance to see them.