As a veteran of the heyday of the English Football Hooliganism era , I found the original "Green Street" lamentable. Watered down, ill-advised, inaccurate, it was a shameless attempt to introduce the subject specifically to an American audience. Nothing though quite prepared me for this sequel, as cynical an exercise in film making it would be difficult to imagine apart from, "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakwell".

Only one original cast member remains, and the story is set in a prison, which provides the confined space for West Ham and Millwall hooligans, doing prison terms, to confront each other. It unfolds as a 94 minute cage fight with multiple attacks, revenge attacks, one-on-ones, firm on firm etc. If it had been packaged as a sort of 18 rated WWF Bout, then it would have some reason for existing, but it is not, and does not.

The English prison is clearly an American one, with no sense of an English Institution at all, so it loses any authenticity as a "Prison Film" with both British and American audiences. Decent Prison Warder is played by Arthur Mason, a fine actor, who had a long stay in the British TV Series about the London Fire Service, "London's Burning". He spends almost the entire film with his mouth agape, presumably at the dross which is swirling around him.

Actrss Marina Sirtis plays a corrupt Head Warder in a curiously written role, the cod script almost demands some raunchy "prisoner on screw" sex action, but it never comes. A mass football match and fight at the end is so formulaic and contrived, it is pretty much unwatchable. So, not a prison or football hooligan film, the market for this is restricted to those who simply enjoy watching people getting beaten up, but is devoid of any other merit.

What's better than a football movie with heaps of fighting? A prison movie with heaps of fighting

Forgive me if this reviews a little bit disjointed . A few minutes ago I saw the end credits roll to GREEN STREET 2: STAND YOUR GROUND and it's caused a sensation that feels like a cross between the best sex of my life and having my head crushed in a vice . If there's an impossible air of surrealism in my manner it's entirely down to the on screen events of this ... well I was going to say movie but it's more of a bad dream than a movie

STAND YOUR GROUND is supposedly a follow up to GREEN STREET but obviously started off as an original screenplay by T.Jay O'Brien featuring tough gang members from da ghetto meeting up in an American maximum security prison . Some producer somewhere told him to rewrite the story so it'd feature a couple of supporting characters from GREEN STREET . Unfortunately someone forgot to tell director Jesse V Johnson this so we've got a film supposedly set in Britain but filmed in an American prison . I've really got to admire Jesse for getting round this by sticking a couple of goal posts in the prison basketball court and plastering signs saying " ROYAL PRISON SERVICE - NO NOT A YANK JAIL AT ALL GUV " everywhere . Okay he fails but it's a good try

The two leads are played by Ross McCall and Graham McTavish and with names like those it's no surprise to learn they're both Scottish . They're playing London geezers and it must have been a challenge for them trying to master the accents because they spend so much time trying to convince us they're not Scots that they forget to do any convincing acting , just limiting themselves to making quaking noises that sound like " FAHK " and " KANT " . We also have ze meerkat from the car insurance adverts voicing one of the human characters called Max and an Australian as governor of the royal prison service Pride of place amongst the cast is that woman from STAR TREK THE NEXT GENERATION playing a pantomime witch who's unable to say anything without using the F and C words at least twice in every sentence . I never knew American prisons were so cosmopolitan . Amazingly there's even a few Neo-Nazis nonchalantly standing around showing their swastika tattoos with disgusted looks on their faces giving the impression that they were going to originally star in this movie about a prison war between the Ayran Brotherhood and The Crips set in a tough American Jail

No matter how you look at it you can not escape that this was the plot on O'Brien's first draft . The screenwriter seems stumped as to how he can rewrite it and make it cohesive . It's obvious he's crossed out Crips and Brotherhood and replaced it with Millwall and West Ham . He's failed to develop anything and the screenplay is full of padding such as wicked witch female prison guard trying to get an underling to say " Two peas in a pod " . There's also a ridiculous scene where the prison governor decides to give non dangerous prisoners early release and gets two staff members to draw up a potential list . Cut to a long lasting urinating contest where each prison officers says " my list is best - No my list is best " which seems to go on forever " Thankfully the governor is an intellectual and moral giant who knows the only way to judge how rehabilitated a prisoner is if they win a football match . You can understand this way of thinking since Hitler and Stalin were never known to be good footballers while someone like John Terry or Diego Maradona are fine upstanding role models for the rest of humanity

STAND YOUR GROUND is certainly one of the worst movies I've seen . . Everything about it is totally deranged , the acting , the writing ( especially the dialogue ) and the bizarre fact that it's obviously filmed in an American prison . Having said that it's also thoroughly entertaining almost like EASTENDERS mixed with an episode of tough prison drama OZ and whilst the entertainment level is almost certainly unintentional it gets four out of ten