Ah, they don't make them like this any more.

Horror of the Blood Monsters is truly a crazy film. It's a biscuit-taking exercise in Z-Grade film-making of the variety that makes you say, 'I cannot believe they did this!'. It's a curious mixture of ineptness and experimentation that results in a somewhat unforgettable cinematic experience. Whether that's a good or a bad thing is entirely down to your tolerance for premier division crapola.

As has been stated many times, the film incorporates segments from a few old movies, including a Filipino caveman adventure and dinosaur film. These are linked together (loosely, to say the least) by sci-fi and horror sections, which in themselves don't seem to be connected very well either. In other words, it's a shambles. By, my word, it's a fun shambles to watch.

The story is half-hearted at best. The film-makers certainly didn't treat it with very much importance, so neither will I. Instead, I shall give a stream-of-conscious list of things that this movie contains….

We have vampires with plastic teeth. We have narration by a madman called Brother Theodore. We have a mission-control that is run by a man and a woman and a bloke with a clipboard. We have a chain-smoking space crew lead by an ancient doctor played by a (drunk?) John Carradine. We have a space-ship made out of a bottle of detergent, the interior of which consists of a table and two extremely uncomfortable looking wooden deck-chairs. We have special-effects of the special-needs variety – the outer space scenes would look unrealistic in an episode of The Clangers. We have an elephant with door-mats stuck to it, crap dinosaurs and space gazelles. We have crab-men, bat-men, snake-men and midgets. We have a war between good cavemen and vampire cavemen. We have a cave-woman who changes race depending on who she is on screen with at a given time. We have morally dubious brain-surgery, performed in order to allow for inter-stellar communications. We have epic battles of extremely badly choreographed proportions. We have a space age psychedelic sex machine. We have an alien atmosphere that changes colours constantly in order for the movie to incorporate old black and white footage seamlessly with the colour bits, or because of radiation or something. Generally speaking, we have a lot of things going on in this movie.

It's a laugh-riot.

It goes beyond so bad it's good – it's so bad it's experimental. I would say, celebrate it. It should cheer you up.

This uproariously atrocious Al Adamson $1.50 sci-fi/horror patch-up job rates highly as one of Al's single most sublimely stinky pictures to ever disgrace celluloid. This beautifully bad and berserk baby boasts John Carradine at his all-time crankiest, Brother Theodore's gut-busting wheezing histrionic opening narration, poorly tinted black and white giant creature footage from the moldy oldie items "One Million Years B.C." and "Unknown Island," cheap cardboard spaceship sets, a quick cameo by Adamson as a vampire with wicked sideburns, a particularly ridiculous heavy-breathing sex scene, a pretty sorry trash cinema ensemble cast that includes Vicki Volante, Jennifer Bishop and Robert Dix, chintzy cinematography by Vilmos Zsigmond, such hysterically goofy monsters as hairy cave-dwelling bat demons, swamp-residing lobster men, snake men, and two warring cavemen tribes, and a stupendously silly plot concerning a fearless team of astronauts traveling to a hostile alien planet so they can thwart a severe extraterrestrial vampire plague that's ravaging Earth! This isn't by any stretch of the imagination a good movie, but it is nonetheless an often unintentionally amusing and hence hugely enjoyable Grace Z low-budget crap camp classic.

Ridiculous looking vampires with $.10 Halloween store fans. A sudden incident on a spaceship where grouchy John Carradine barks "Take your hands off me!" Tinted footage that alternates between red, yellow, blue and green. A bug eyed sea monster with lobster claws. The Filipino equivalent of Sabu. A bikini wearing alien who speaks perfect English. (Well not perfect....her acting is not what I'd call well rehearsed or directed...) Vampire aliens with tusks instead of fangs. Enlarged reptiles supposed to be dinosaurs. Bat people who fly but look like Bela Lugosi in "The Ape Man". A form of energy known as "fire water". And don't forget Robot Monster.

Yes, the stock footage mixed into this film creates a delightfully stupid low budget sci-fi/horror. Veteran actor John Carradine isn't playing a mad scientist, but his character is deliciously nutty. The plot makes no sense, yet somehow I was able to figure out a way to put it into words. The Tubatano people and the other tribe seems to be cast with cab drivers on their day off. This is one of those films that seemed like what was already in its hundredth rerun on local TV, yet it had some sort of theatrical release. This has to be seen to be believed, and makes Ed Wood's "Bride of the Monster" seem like "The Day the Earth Stood Still".