Gymnast Lance Stargrove (a likable performance by the hunky John Stamos) joins forces with lovely, but lethal secret agent Danja Deering (a winningly vibrant portrayal by the insane foxy Vanity) in order to stop evil power-crazed hermaphrodite criminal mastermind Velvet Von Ragnar (a gloriously hammy and outrageous Gene Simmons) from poisoning the city's water supply.

Director Gil Bettman, working from an incredibly inane script by Steven Paul and Anton Foutz, keeps the enjoyably absurd story moving along at a brisk pace, treats the kitschy material in an engaging tongue-in-cheek manner, and stages the rousing action set pieces with gusto. Moreover, it's acted with zest by an enthusiastic cast: Stamos and Vanity make for appealing leads, Simmons has a field day with his juicy villain role, plus there are neat contributions from Peter Kwong as Lance's nerdy inventor buddy Cliff, Robert Englund as sinister computer geek Riley, George Lazenby as Lance's suave spy father Drew, John Anderson as businesslike lawyer Arliss, and Ed Brock as hulking flunky Pyramid. The gaudy fashions (Ragnar's minions come across like a bunch of punk rejects from a failed casting call for a low-rent "Road Warrior" rip-off),cheesy hair band rock soundtrack, and alarming array of ghastly big hairdos all give this picture a certain endearingly tacky 80's period charm. David Worth's slick cinematography provides a pleasing polished look. The mechanically bouncy synthesizer score by Lennie Niehaus hits the stirring spot. A total schlocky hoot.

I grew up on James Bond. More than that, at a young age, I was obsessed with Bond. One magical Christmas, the only gifts I got were the James Bond role playing game from Victory Games and all of the expansions. I saw every single one one of the movies, even the original Casino Royale and Never Say Never Again, the bootleg Sean Connery film that came out of Kevin McClory's legal battles with Eon Productions, the Fleming estate and United Artists. I've seen every Bond ripoff, from Flint to Matt Helm to Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (it helps that Mario Bava directed that one). Post Timothy Dalton, I grew bored with the more realistic Bond and never came back. I grew up with the ridiculous world of Roger Moore.

I get the feeling that plenty of other folks have had similar experiences, thanks to comics like Jimmy's Bastards and Kingsmen (also a series of movies). And this movie — Never Too Young to Die guest stars the Bond from my favorite of the series, the only appearance of George Lazenby, On Her Majesty's Secret Service as Drew Stargrove, but we can just pretend he's James Bond.

Stargrove has a son, Lance. He has a theme song. And he has a mission, to stop psychopathic hermaphroditic gang leader Velvet Von Ragner (Gene Simmons, sure he's in KISS, but let's celebrate his ridiculous IMDb page, where he's either played himself or been in some amazingly insane films, like Trick or Treat and Runaway). But his luck has finally run out. He's dead and his somewhat estranged son must leave behind his gymnastic days at college to take over his role as the best secret agent in the world.

Lance is played by John Stamos, mostly known for TV's Full House. This is his star turn, all fresh faced and ready to break hearts. He's joined on his mission by Vanity, who may have had a short and sweet film career, but got to be in some incredible stuff, like The Last Dragon, Action Jackson, Tanya's Island, 52 Pick-Up and Terror Train.

Your ability to enjoy this film depends completely on your ability to enjoy ridiculousness. And facts like this — the nightclub outfit that costume Gene Simmons wears in the nightclub scene is the same one that Lynda Carter wore for her 1980 ENCORE! special, where she sang KISS' "I Was Made for Loving You."

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Only in the 1980s could we get something this gloriously deranged and utterly idiotic. It's flashy, and it's dumb, and it's obviously proud to be so. It's essentially a "junior James Bond" as John "Uncle Jesse" Stamos plays Lance Stargrove, a college athlete whose dad Drew (one time Bond George Lazenby) is a spy. Dad isn't THAT great at his job, though, managing to get killed by the movies' villain. And what a doozy this villain is. He/she is Velvet Von Ragner (rock star Gene Simmons),a hermaphroditic megalomaniac with a legion of followers who look like refugees from a "Mad Max" knock-off. Lance determines to get some revenge, hooking up with our leading lady, Danja Deering (supremely sexy Vanity),just one of dads' "associates".

This one is pretty bad, all right, but that doesn't mean it ain't entertaining. The action scenes are decent enough, the stunts and camera work especially effective. The costumes on the henchmen are absolutely hilarious. The upbeat pop soundtrack consists of some pretty rancid cheese, yet unfortunately it will stick in your head, especially the title theme song. Director Gil Bettman ("Crystal Heart", "Night Vision") works from a terminally silly script credited to Steven Paul (of "Slapstick (Of Another Kind)" infamy) and Anthony Foutz, that is wise to include some very alluring scenes with Vanity, as well as the kind of gadgetry we often come to expect in an espionage thriller.

Stamos is okay as the hero, no more; he lacks a strong screen presence. Vanity definitely fares better. Supporting roles and bits are played by the likes of John Anderson ("Psycho" '60),Ed Brock (in his one and only movie role),Peter Kwong ("Big Trouble in Little China"),Robert "Freddy Krueger" Englund (wasted in a nothing part),Tara Buckman ("Silent Night, Deadly Night", "The Cannonball Run"),Patrick Wright ("Track of the Moon Beast"),and Branscombe Richmond ("Hard to Kill"). But this thing really belongs to Simmons, who clearly realized he was doing a p.o.s. movie, and gives it some flair by camping it up something fierce as the bad guy / gal.

Recommended mainly to completists who'll gladly lap up the craziest things that the 80s had to offer.

Five out of 10.