Man, is this a fine slice of fetid, aromatic eighties cheese or what? An anthology movie made from three films edited down, with added gore and effects, linked together by segments involving God and the Devil on a train, trading souls while a typical eighties band plays a song about how everyone's got something to do (except you). Great stuff.

The stories themselves are fine too, probably because of all the added blood and gore (and possibly the removal of all the boring bits). The first story involves a man who has been brainwashed into kidnapping people who are then tortured, cut up, and sold onto universities. Sure, it's daft, but way over the top in the gore and nudity stakes, so who's complaining? It's quite nasty, this one. I have no idea what the original film was called.

Your second story here is a diluted version of a film called Death Wish Club, which I've heard of but never seen. This involves two young lovers trying to escape the influence of an evil gangster who doesn't want the girl to be free, and ropes (sometimes literally) the two into joining the Death Wish Club, where folks dice with death (rather graphically). Another winner here, although the ending is a bit abrupt and unresolved. I'd read that the stop motion bug thing was added later.

Last and lengthiest is an edit of 'The nightmare never ends', another one I'd heard of but haven't seen. We have a Catholic surgeon and her husband, who has just written a book called 'God is Dead'. Meanwhile, you've got Cameron Mitchell on the trail of a seemingly immortal guy called Olivier, who seems linked to some gory murders (courtesy of some hilarious new footage). Olivier wants to recruit the surgeon's husband to work for Satan, but it's obvious to everyone within a 300 mile radius that the guy who doesn't believe in God isn't going to believe in Satan either, stupid. I'm guessing that The Nightmare Never Ends was a bit tame in the killings stake, as the new footage involves a stop motion demon stomping on badly animated people. I liked it and found it creepy in places.

The wraparound segment is a hoot too – how can you dislike a film with such a cheesy pop song running through it. This film is daft as hell and a lot of fun. What more do you want from a film? Look – if you're even looking at a review of a film called Night Train to Terror, I'm guessing you're probably not on the lookout for socio-political subtext and meaningful studies of the human condition. What you get here is beheadings, Lycra, sweatbands, boobs, faces exploding, demons, people melting. It's the kind of film where all is good in the world.

This is what you get when three unrelated movies are crudely patched together to form an outrageously tacky'n'trashy horror anthology with one wonderfully awful and idiotic wrap-around section based aboard a speeding train populated by singing and dancing young folks bouncing all over the place while God (smoothly played by Ferdy Mayne sporting a snowy white beard and hair) and Satan (a nicely oily portrayal by Tony Giorgio) debate about the fates of three souls in an adjacent compartment. The messy individual stories deal with a sinister clinic that traffics in human body parts, a young man who falls for a lovely lass who's involved with a creepy death-obsessed club that participates in inventive variants on Russian roulette, and a female doctor and a feisty Jewish holocaust survivor (a jittery Marc Lawrence) who are both terrorized by the son of the Devil. Man, does this uproariously atrocious abomination cover all the essential pleasingly lousy'n'lurid Grade Z cinema bases: Tacky (far from) special effects (the cruddy stop-motion claymation monsters in the last vignette in particular are a sidesplitting sight to behold),wonky continuity, faded names Cameron Mitchell and John Phillip Law desperately trolling for a paycheck, plentiful tasty gratuitous distaff nudity, a seriously loopy and nonsensical script by Philip Yordan, more spastic break dancing than a dozen 1980's rap music videos, cheesy gore, a hapless narrator working serious overtime to give the disjointed tales a slight semblance of coherence, some clumsily staged martial arts, and an insidiously catchy'n'gnarly theme song that once heard is downright impossible to forget. As an added plus, Richard Moll appears in two segments with a full head of hair. A hilariously horrendous hoot and a half!

Trashy mid-'80s horror anthology Night Train To Terror opens with a hilarious musical number aboard a steam train, as a truly terrible pop/rock band and their 'rejects from Fame' dancers party their way to Las Vegas; meanwhile, in another carriage, God (Ferdy Mayne) and Satan (Tony Giorgio) discuss the merits of good and evil, illustrating their points with a trio of macabre stories.

With each of these tales comprising of clumsily butchered and messily re-edited footage from three full-length films, plus a few added special effects to pep things up a bit, the results are disjointed and often incoherent, but the juicy gore and a fair amount of female nudity ensures that they still prove mindlessly entertaining.

Story number one, The Case of Harry Billings, is a hotchpotch of random scenes from unfinished 1981 movie Scream Your Head Off. It stars John Phillip Law as a man who finds himself a patient at a sanatorium where the doctors chop up beautiful women and sell the body parts to medical schools. Under hypnosis, Harry is forced to lure a series of babes to the hospital, but eventually comes to his senses and tries to escape. With lots of big breasted naked women, gory severed limbs, and a cool decapitation, this segment is a lot of fun despite the narrative being all over the place.

After some more terrible music and poorly choreographed dance moves from the young revellers, it's on with episode number two, The Case of Gretta Connors, which sees musician/porn star Gretta (Merideth Haze) falling for graduate student Glenn (Rick Barnes),much to the annoyance of her manager George Youngmeyer (J. Martin Sellers). To try and get even with the couple, George forces them to join a 'death club' (the original film used for this part was called Death Wish Club),where participants take their chances with a series of potentially fatal games. Shonky stop-motion animation, an exploding face, an electrocution that results in a melted head, and yet more nudity keeps boredom at bay.

After another chance to marvel at the sheer awfulness of the band and their troupe - this time with break-dancing - it's onto the final story, The Case of Claire Hansen, which uses footage from 1980 Omen-inspired horror Cataclysm. Faith Clift plays surgeon Claire, who is chosen to defeat the devil's emissary Mr. Olivier (Robert Bristol) by cutting out his heart and placing it in a wooden box fashioned from Christ's cross. Once again, the plot is chaotic, with Cameron Mitchell's police officer adding very little, but with the cloven-hoofed Mr. Olivier, more poorly executed stop-motion (including a spider demon that drags a monk to Hell),and some splattery surgery, this is just as much fun as the other two tales.

Having examined all three cases, God and Satan sit tight as the train crashes, at which point the band and the dancers are judged and sent to either heaven or hell. It doesn't make much sense, but that's all part of the fun.

6/10.