Holy crap! I've found the finest film ever made. It's called Ring of Fire, and the story centers around two rival kick-boxing clubs (one white, one Chinese) in California. The main character is a Chinese doctor (a Chinese doctor? That's weird!) who has given up fighting in the ring. (Actual quote: "I don't fight anymore. You beat them up, I patch them up.") After his shift at the hospital one night, he goes to help out at his aunt's Chinese restaurant (oh, I love this so much!) where he falls for a pretty Blonde who mistakens him for a waiter who can't speak English ("Excuse me, can I get chopsticks? You know, chopsticks?"). After she finishes her meal, she opens a fortune cookie that tells her that "Like a mountain lily, love lives in rocky terrain". She smiles and keeps it. The blonde happens to be engaged to one of the white kick-boxers, so drama ensues. Meanwhile, the rival kick-boxers start taking their fights to the street, gaining the attention of a local detective, who likes to say stuff like, "You better watch yourself, or I'll be on you like white on rice! No pun intended".

This move is nothing short of phenomenal. There's more than enough Chinglish to satisfy anyone who has an appreciation for mispronounced L's and R's, lots of chop-socky action, horrendous 80's hairdos and clothes, and multiple scenes of a girl getting naked in the bathroom, the hot tub, the locker room, and some other places. I'm not sure how she fits into the movie (I think she's the Blonde's friend),but she's got a great rack and really big hair. In one scene, the main character, Johnny, even dresses up like the Phantom of the Opera to get into a masquerade ball so he can woo the blonde, who sees him from across the room (cue 80's synthesizer music!) and approaches him to share a romantic slow dance filmed through a Vaseline-smeared camera lens.

In another one of my favorite scenes, the Blonde, Julie, goes back to the Chinese restaurant to find Johnny. Johnny's aunt asks her a series of questions to determine if she's a good girl. It goes something like this. "How old are you?" "22" "Oh, that is a good age for having children! What did you eat for breakfast?" "Bacon and Eggs." "Did you cook yourself? No McMuffin?" "I can cook. No McMuffin." At this point, the aunt decides that she's a quality girl, seeing how she can cook and is of child-bearing age. "Do you have a pain?" "Pain?" "A pain in your heart? Maybe you should go to the hospital!" "So you're saying I should go to the hospital...hmm..." (I swear, I am not making this up!) She then goes to the hospital and gets examined for having chest pains. Johnny comes in and asks her to remove her sweater so he can listen to her heart with his stethoscope. Oh yes! This is actually caught of celluloid!

Oh! let's not forget the love scene. They sensually undress each other, and Julie tweaks Johnny's nipples in a close-up. I almost fell out of my chair. Oh, and the entire love scene is inter-cut with the rival gangs meeting up for a showdown, wrapping their hands and dipping them in broken glass, Bloodsport style. This leads to a fight in the middle of a (you guessed it!) ring of fire!

It gets better! One of the Chinese guys dies in the fight, so Julie puts on a black dress to go to the funeral, where she discovers in horror that you're supposed to wear white, not black, to a Chinese funeral. Then, Julie's brother and ex-fiancé come to crash the funeral, wearing blue and pink tank-tops and white jeans, looking like the guys who painted my house. That display, coupled with her black dress faux pas convinces Julie that she can't be with Johnny and doesn't belong.

Luckily, the fortune cookie's message saves the day (as it often does in real life),and Julie's grandma uses it to convince both Johnny and Julie that they belong together. This all culminates in Johnny's professing his love to Julie during her jazzercise aerobics class (Leotards and leg warmers galore!). Julie's brother shows up and hits her, and this finally convinces Johnny to fight him in the ring. They fight, and through some weird series of events, Julie's ex-fiancé ends up accidentally slicing her in the stomach with a sword (yes, a sword! Like, a samurai sword!). Johnny carries Julie out of the ring very slowly and dramatically, even though he should probably be running since she's most likely losing a lot of blood. Julie is putting pressure on her wound when she looks up at Johnny and smiles. That's when the movie abruptly ends.

Oh god, what a movie! AWESOME! I checked the credits just to make sure I didn't actually direct this movie and forgot about it somehow. My goodness. I don't think anything can top this .

"Ring Of Fire" is an above-average beat-em-up but with a strong romantic component. Highly watchable, think "Romeo & Juliet" but with more kicking.

"The Dragon" stars as Johnny Woo, a good-natured doctor who is constantly treating victims of white and Chinese gangs who are always getting into brawls both in and out of the ring. His brother Terry (Steven Vincent Leigh) is a professional martial artist who fights in the ring. The two brothers practice by their pool. Despite Johnny's superior abilities he chooses to heal and not to fight. As he says: "You beat 'em up, I patch 'em up".)

Sgt. Lopez (Michael Delano) is trying to break up the warring factions but is unsuccessful. Enter Julie (Ford) who listens to a fortune cookie and begins to fall in love with Johnny. The problem is she's engaged to jerk Chuck (Murdocco) who coincidentally is a martial artist and hates Chinese people with a passion and is friends with Julie's brother Brad. When Johnny and Terry's pal who is the comic relief of the film, gets beat up by the evil white gang, Johnny and Terry are out for revenge.

The final battle involves a "Ring Of Fire" and attaching broken glass to your hands. Chuck is crazy enough to actually go through with it.

One of the most interesting aspects of the movie is the racial conflict and it's not sugarcoated. Racial epithets are used incessantly. What is worthy about 'Fire is that you care about all the characters including their mothers and grandmothers which is unusual for an action movie. Sure, there is a shot of Aunt Mei which is so scary it will haunt your dreams, but usually she is kindly and dispenses wisdom.

For example, when the comic relief guy gets beat up, you care because he stole the movie with one of the best lines: ("Have some of Bruce Lee's favorite drink – Wataaaaaaahhhh!") before he punches and kicks his opponent in the ring. Why aging, balding, overweight punks in their mid to late 40's (except for Gary Daniels who is inexplicably hangin' out with those dudes…) have nothing better to do than chase an innocent Asian man around Venice Beach (In some in the same exact places as the classic "Thrashin") and pull down his pants, the world may never know.

Brad looks like Vanilla Ice and has funny outfits. Brad and Chuck are stupid, unlikable oafs. Brad seals his fate as the ultimate jerk when he interrupts Julie's aerobics class and slaps her in front of everybody. Contrast this with the tender romance with Johnny. They go to Chinese New Year festivities and they go the beach. We know Julie loves Johnny for his true self because at a masquerade ball, he is dressed as the phantom of the opera and the romance begins.

Brad and Chuck on the other hand look really gay with leather straps and skirts. Clearly Johnny is the winner here. The romance between Johnny and Julie take a dive when Julie shows up to a funeral wearing a black dress (and in Asian culture that is inappropriate.) Will Johnny and Julie triumph over racist evil? Find out today! Wilson's martial arts skills are slick but we could've seen more. "Ring Of Fire" spawned two sequels: "Ring Of Fire II: Blood and Steel" and "Ring Of Fire 3: Lion Strike".

Get into the "Ring" with this classic tonight!

Comeuppance Review by: Ty & Brett

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Despite the fact that this is just yet another mindless kung-fu action movie, isn't that part of the culture of the late 80s early 90s? It is a snapshot of American culture and dreams in that time era. The movie centers around two kick boxing gangs, what more do you want? Cheesy plot outline, mindless action that makes you wish you could fight like that, and a predictable ending with a cool training sequence. All of the ingredients that made us love movies like Rocky.

I think movie goers should lighten up and enjoy these kind of films more. Even though they aren't through provoking, not every movie can be, it still entertains you if you have a light heart going in.