Nothing or nobody could've prepared me for Savages. But, the incredibly inept opening narration should've been clue number one what I was in for.

Director Oliver Stone was great at one point, right? Make that: many points of many films for decades. I am curious to find out if even he watched this finished project before it was distributed. How could he miss the multitudes of incompetence of this film? Even a first time director would've been embarrassed or caught even half of the dozen or so fails shown here.

The number one problem overall was the wretched script and abominable dialogue in said script. Attempting to not laugh out loud or, at minimum, shake your head with each word spoken, specifically the unintentionally hilarious narration, was a fruitless act. Oh, and speaking of which, acting, particularly Blake Lively's O(h my god, she sucks) character, was second on the naughty list. Absolutely everyone else, including a terrible and phoned in John Travolta, was awful, but the ironically named Lively should've taken home the Razzie. Or hopefully, at very least, never act again.

Further, the feeble attempts at cinematic style on screen failed hard with each scene and the laughable stock footage didn't help. In a movie about drugs and heavy usage almost proved Stone must've been high himself when this was shot. Also, the all-over-the-place and endless story was just too dumb to be even mocked. Like the inconceivable length of this movie, the randomness of events, subplots/relationships and pathetic twists felt too much and never once authentic.

In a threesome of partners-in-crime have a dilemma when Mexican Madmen want to "monitor" their successful drug business for three years. As with the rest of the script, the boys (oh, sorry, the threesome is two dudes and one girl, but supposedly the two buds aren't gay) go back and forth on deciding on whether to join the Mexican Mafia. So, while they boringly debate, they decide to add a lot of screen time to the movie's length by: going to dinner, hanging out in their pad, drinking, smoking and attempting to launder money – but even that, they keep flip-flopping with a wasted use of the talented Emile Hirsch.

To make matters worse, (meaning: unfortunately the film went on) the Mexican Meanies kidnap the female portion of their pact and the boys would do anything to get her back. Unconvincingly, but still. So, they do this, do that, change this, trick that…nothing with continuity, originality or believability.

And the predictable climax actually borrows from…the Twilight film series conclusion? Now, that's rich and so appropriate for this movie that inconceivably took three writers to script. Including Stone.

Though completely unintentional, Savages might actually be more hilarious than my previous favorite pot-comedy: Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. But since it's "supposed to be serious," the movie's over the top gore, violence and language felt more like "Look at what I can do!" than meshing with the actual scenes. The kicker was that the sex scenes looked incredibly awkward and not even believable had it been a teen's first time.

Obviously, this is a skip. Save your two-and-a-half hours for your loved ones because if you're headed to hell in the afterlife, why start your torture here?

* * * Final thoughts: Showing more male ass than female nudity helps in any movie, but sadly, in the case of Savages, when you start with the two lead's bums upfront, it can only go down from there. And, it did feel like an avalanche of dread from when their respectably nice butts were so nicely displayed to the end credits.

Twenty years ago an Oliver Stone film would be an event but the director has become wayward of late.

This marks a return to form but it revisits his screenplay of Scarface too much in places. Also aided with his kinetic camera work and filming style used in Natural Born Killers but here it hinders the flow.

Ben (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) is peace loving hippy Buddhist and his best buddy Chon (Taylor Kitsch) a former soldier have developed the best type of marijuana which have made them successful in southern California.

Both also share the same woman Ophelia (Blake Lively) and life is going swimmingly until the Mexican Baja Cartel demands that they join forces with them and later kidnap Ophelia.

The cartel is ruthlessly led by Elena (Salma Hayek) her brutal enforcer Lado (Benicio Del Toro) wants Elena but also realises he needs to make his own moves.

Ben and Chon realise they need to take on the cartel and free Ophelia and they can only do this with the help of the slippery and crooked DEA agent (John Travolta) a man who has worked out all the angles.

The film is hampered by the constant narration by Lively as well as her performance which is less than lively. She certainly looks like someone who could enchant two best friends but she can never mesmerise the audience.

Kitsch's character is one dimensional, just a gung ho grunt which leaves Johnson to make up for the shortcomings of the two main leads. At least his character is more subtle, learning the hard way that being involved in the drugs trade does not go hand in hand with being a peace loving beatnik. He has to toughen up and gets his hands bloody.

The film works mainly because of the supporting actors. Hayek, Travolta (with his natural balding hairline) Bichir and Del Toro make the most of their thin characterisations, people who are rooted to their families despite being savages.

Stone makes up for the rest with his filming style with an operatic approach to violence but why were we presented with an alternate version of the climax?

What we have here is a Mexican cartel drug thriller from director Oliver Stone. What could go wrong with that? The film is dripping with sun-bleached style, and there's plenty of violence and sex in the mix. A shame, then, that the script is so very predictable and makes huge and continuous mistakes throughout, leaving this a failure of a movie.

The first problem with the film is the entire lack of likable characters. Aaron Johnson and Taylor Kitsch are the most vapid and unlikeable leads ever; they follow in the line of the usual pothead dummy heroes (as in American ULTRA and PINEAPPLE EXPRESS) and I hated both of them from the very beginning. Blake Lively's character is rubbish, a typical air-head blonde, and the viewer is forced to sit through her extended screen time for no little reason other than to pad the story out.

Which leads me into the running time: this is way too long for what should be a tense and exciting thriller. Lots of it feels repetitive or boring. There are a few action highlights, but the overall mood is artificial and long-winded. John Travolta gives the best performance in his minor role as a corrupt drugs agent, but check out Salma Hayek's cartel boss; she's surprisingly terrible. And I'm still not sure what to make of Benicio del Toro's character, and I don't think the scriptwriters knew what to do with him either...