I'm in a particularly masochistic mood tonight and I've been watching some ultra schlocky sci-fi films which came out in the late 70s and early 80s. "Starcrash" is not the worst of the films I've been watching...though by any objective standard, it's total crap.

This Italian-made film was dubbed into English and stars some familiar faces--such as the beautiful Caroline Munro (a bond girl and star of other 70s schlock),Marjoe Gortner (who had a career rebirth in the 70s in made for TV movies),David Hasselhoff (before he was famous) and, inexplicably, Christopher Plummer--the only genuinely GOOD actor in this mess of a film! My guess is that the filmmakers were holding one of Plummer's family members hostage to get him to appear in this crap-fest!

The film begins in outer space--and perhaps the ugliest and worst rendered version of outer space in any 1970s film. The colors are garish and might just provoke seizures in some viewers, so be careful! The story is about a couple idiotic space smugglers (Munro and Gortner) who are sent to prison but then offered a reprieve if they help the Emperor (Plummer) to locate his missing son and stop an intergalactic baddie, the Count. It's all VERY boring, the effects are god-awful and there isn't much to interest any viewer aside from Munro and a few other lovely and scantily-clad ladies. Amazingly dumb and really, really bad.

In the rash of cheap and tacky sci-fi "epics" that flooded the Italian market in the late '70s, after the success of STAR WARS, Luigi Cozzi's STARCRASH is perhaps the most well-known of these pasta space-operas. This is due to the presence of British and American leads, better special effects than usual, and a wider release in America. STARCRASH is also one of the best Italian science fiction films out there. Sure, it's cheesy and full of terrible dialogue and extremely poor back-projection effects work, but there's a wealth of action which is always a plus and loads of special effects, even on a low budget. Although the scenes of fighters battling it out in space are pretty ropey (sometimes you can see the strings on the models),most of the other effects - mainly involving laser rays accompanied by weird electronic noises - are definitely fun and a hoot to watch.

Cozzi and his crew show their inspiration right away, with the opening shot of the underside of a huge ship being taken directly from STAR WARS along with the scrolling text in space. What follows is a terrible special effects sequence in which the crew of an exploratory ship are attacked by what looks like a superimposed lava lamp! This causes them to lose their minds and thus overact with wild abandon, an acting style that will crop up later in the movie. Into the scene comes space pirate Stella Star (played by the ever-lovely Caroline Munro),decked out in some of the skimpiest space-bikinis ever witnessed by the human eye. She variously gets caught by authorities, thrown into a prison camp, escapes, joins with the forces of good, descends on a load of alien planets with her buddies and fights monsters and robots, and finally all of the good guys launch an assault on the bad guys and kill them. The plot may be uninspired, but a colourful plethora of images assault the viewer's eye along the way.

We get strange alien planets with green skies, Stella getting literally frozen in the snow and reheated, blue-skinned bald alien guys, vistas of alien wastelands with crashed spaceships, colourful and extravagant costumes with red robes and stuff, and a whole lot more besides. Besides all this, the music is by Bond's John Barry, of all people, which gives the movie an extra touch of professionalism. Cozzi obviously aims his movie at kids and delivers all the kind of fantastic madness that a would-be epic fantasy yarn should have - for more of the same, seek out his 1983 film HERCULES. And "fantasy" is right - this is a world where windows breaking on a spaceship don't cause vacuums, where our heroes can get themselves out of a sticky situation by shouting "Imperial Battleship - stop time!" and all manner of continuity errors preside.

There are huge fights with laser guns (the final battle goes all-out and even includes slow-motion deaths, very cool in my book),a floating alien head in a goldfish bowl stolen from INVADERS FROM MARS, an annoying sidekick robot (read: guy in robot suit) who's a cop with a really irritating Yankee drawl, a tribe of scantily-clad evil space Amazons, an attack by troglodyte-style cavemen who smash our robot buddy to pieces, cool battles with lightsabers (yes, you read it, lightsabers and all and no copyright prosecution from Lucas and co.) and tons of things blowing up, always a mainstay in these types of movie. On top of this, somebody was obviously a fan of JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS, so we get some cool stop-motion animation too. Firstly there's a gigantic (Talos-inspired) statue that chases our heroes across a beach, then a pair of sword-wielding skeletal robots that engage in a lightsaber battle with Marjoe Gortner! If that isn't your money's worth, I don't know what is.

Caroline Munro may not have been much of an actress, but she was always pleasing eye-candy and her half-naked presence here is a great plus for the film. Supporting acts come from a very young-looking David Hasselhoff, before he was famous and with ridiculous permed hair; the ever-creepy Marjoe Gortner as an aide who uses magic and can see into the future; Christopher Plummer, who adopts an Alec Guinness-type role and lends the cast some much-needed gravitas; and finally the much-missed Joe Spinell who has a ball overacting as the villainous Count Zartharn. Spinell's shouty turn is in itself a good reason to tune in. STARCRASH - tacky and cheesy all the way through, but what a riot with it!

Smugglers Akton and Stella Star are caught by the authorities. They escape with help from the Emperor (Christopher Plummer) who recruits them to battle the evil Count Zarth Arn and his secret planetary superweapon.

It's an Italian sci-fi which definitely rode on Star Wars' coattails. The acting is bad. The writing is worst. For some reason, there are both Amazons and Neanderthals in space. The miniatures are bad. They look like they were glued together by kids. The special effects are bad. The opening has an attack by red dots. The filmmaking is bad. Even the dubbing accentuates the movie's B-movie essence. Leading lady Caroline Munro has a tendency to overact and in prison, she gets put into a scantily clad costume for very good cinematic reasons. The leading guy Akton turns out to be not a leading man nor the romantic lead. I rather have Munro be a solo warrior queen right from the beginning. There's no reason for her to second banana to Akton in the first act. She should go full Barbarella. This has a surprising cast which includes both David Hasselhoff and Christopher Plummer. Apparently, Plummer did the film for the trip to Rome. I can't fault him for that but his performance is bad. It's a bad B-movie but sometimes, one is in the mood for it.