There aren't many movies that have a scene where Adam West is nude in an Austin Powers way and has a famous madame go down on him while he takes a long satisfying puff on a cigarette, but here with this early Cannon film, which was the third and final in the series* of films about Xaviera Hollander, a Dutch call girl who grew up in a Japanese-run internment camp and going on to be New York City's top madame before writing the best-selling The Happy Hooker: My Own Story, acting in My Pleasure Is My Business, releasing a board game and recording the album Xaviera! Which has spoken word thoughts on sex, her singing The Beatles' "Michele" and then some early JOI content including her having audio sex with Toronto rock star Ronnie Hawkins.

Martine Beswick (Zora in From Russia With Love, Paula Caplan in Thunderball, a cavewoman named Nupondi who battles Racquel Welch in One Million Years B. C., Sister Hyde in Dr. Jekyll and Sister Hyde, the Queen of Evil in Oliver Stone's Seizure, plus From a Whisper to a Scream, Critters 4 and the Fred Olen Rey movie Cyclone; more people should be worsipping her) is Xaviera, who has been flown to Hollywood to discuss the movie of her life that se doesn't want to make. She'd rather just have fun with her business, which she's still a very hands - and other body parts - on part of, servicing a cop played by Dick Miller in the first scene. Martine may be following Lynn Redgrave and Joey Heatherton in the role, but if she can't measure up to their acting - actually, she totally does - she's more willing to toss off her clothes.

Warkoff Brothers Studios - run by Phil Silvers! - wants to get the signature from her to mae this, but they want it cheap, so they use Lionel Lamely (West) to get her to fall in love. Come on, people. This is the Happy Hooker! She turns the tables by getting her girls to make the movie cheap and bringing young Warkoff Brothers exec Robby Rottman (Chris Lemmon) to her side, making an independent version of her film financed by horizontal assets.

Her ladies are Tanya Boyd from Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks; January 1977 Playboy Playmate of the Month Susan Kiger from Death Screams; 1969 Miss Utah Lindsay Bloom who was Maybelle on The Dukes of Hazzard; twins Candi and Randi Brough and Dana Feller, who was only in one other movie, the Cannon weirdness that is Dr. Heckyl and Mr. Hype.

This is the kind of movie that has Army Archerd play himself and satirize Hollywood while completely being Hollywood. But it's fun, all of the women have way more brains an agency than the men and maybe we can overlook that the end of the movie has Richard Deacon - yes, Mel Cooley from The Dick Van Dyke Show - and West dressed as women. And hey - Edie Adams is in this, too.

It's total fluff, but the kind of fluff that makes me happy. There's never any real tension, nothing other than the trans jokes at the end that are troublesome and carefree late 70s nudity. 15 year old me gives this movie unlimited stars; 49 year old me can't believe that I still watch and write about stuff like this.

*There are two other movies inspired by her, The Life and Times of Xaviera Hollander and The Best Part of a Man.

Sassy and audacious famous madam Xaviera Hollander (a splendidly sexy, saucy, and spirited portrayal by Martine Beswick) goes to Hollywood to supervise the adaptation of her bestselling book into a movie. After being taken advantage of by shady showbiz types, Xaviera decides to make her film as an independent feature by raising money the old-fashioned way. Director Alan Roberts, working from a blithely inane script by Devin Goldenberg, relates the cheerfully silly story at a constant snappy pace and maintains a playfully tongue-in-cheek tone throughout while delivering a bunch of amusingly lowbrow gags and oodles of tasty female nudity (even the insanely gorgeous Beswick shows off her sizzling hot stuff). Moreover, the game cast have a field day with the broad material: Adam West contributes an effectively slimy turn as dashing, but sleazy and duplicitous producer Lionel Lamely, Phil Silvers is a riot as cranky trash movie mogul William B. Warkoff, Richard Deacon has a ball as crude and boorish producer Joseph Rottman, Chris Lemmon gives a likable performance as nice guy eager beaver young executive Robby Rottman, and Edie Adams has a funny bit as clueless talk show host Rita Beater. This picture further benefits from a bevy of beautiful ladies who include Lindsay Bloom as snippy starlet Laurie, Susan Kiger as the luscious Susie, Lisa London as the daffy Laurie, Tanya Boyd as the sultry Sylvie, and K.C. Winkler as the delectable Amber. Stephen M. Gray's polished cinematography makes nice occasional use of dewy soft focus and artful dissolves. Tom Perry's jaunty score likewise does the trick. Besides, it's impossible to dislike a picture that features Dick Miller as a New York City cop customer who we get to see in the sack with Beswicke and the gust-busting sight of Adam West in drag. An amiably asinine hoot.

This is the only one in the series I've seen. Maybe I'd like it if that wasn't so. I researched the woman and the book briefly before putting this on; it's considered to be an important part of why sex became a less strained subject(although we appear to be moving backwards on that now, as more people are focusing on their careers than their love-lives),and I can certainly appreciate that. But this is 81 minutes of crap. It has nothing to say(other than perhaps "Hollywood is sleazy", however, even in 1980, that was old news, downright ancient),it has no purpose, and other than camp, it has nothing to offer the viewer. Well, T&A, obviously, though hardly any of it is erotic or attractive(it seems to be played for laughs, instead). This is about making a film out of the novel... you know, what the first of these movies were. That right there is way too complex and meta for this. I'm not saying something like this can't be smart, no, I'm pointing out that it insists that it can't be. Other than one, *maybe* two lines in this whole thing, the dialog is embarrassing and awful. Too little in this is rational; why would the producer think a picture claiming that the Church is responsible for her prostitution would do well, wouldn't they barely be able to release it? Did these three earn a lot? I hear that this is the best, the one that is put together with most skill, and that is just depressing. The acting is terrible and flat(I guess Batman *wasn't* gay... huh). Every joke and gag is powerfully unfunny, and this literally uses the freakin' "waaah-waaah"-trumpet, yeugh. This uses exaggerated cartoon sound effects. No, I've seen worse, I've hated flicks to a greater extent than this, but that's like saying that there are worse, smellier garbage dumps out there. There is some nudity and getting' it on in this. Only about half of it is hot. I recommend this to... I don't know, fans of the first two, and of exploitation cinema. 1/10